Top Chef Tour Bus

When I heard that the Top Chef Tour Bus was coming to town, I notified Initials immediately, and Initials emailed his boss asking for the day off right away, without being given any other information. He takes his cooking very seriously; he’s the kind of guy to whom people always say “You should become a chef” and he has to explain that he doesn’t want to start off peeling potatoes for minimum wage to get his foot in the door, and then I have to explain that he does not do well under pressure in the kitchen, which is the real reason why he should not be a chef.

Unfortunately, we weren't able to get tickets to the show online, but were told that there were still seats available at a "First Come, First Serve" basis. Disappointed, and also hoping to save his vacation days for a string of interviews he's hoping to get after sending out his resume to a dozen places, he decided not to fill out a sheet of paper verifying that he had the day off. It'd be one thing if we had tickets, but just waiting around for four hours downtown, hoping that someone with tickets would get into an accident, just wasn't a good enough reason. Especially because he really needs a new job.

When he woke up that day, he had the world on his shoulders. He hates his job, but combined with the disappointment that we were unable to get tickets, and that he was going to miss the tourbus, it was almost too much. While he was getting ready for work and I was still in bed half-asleep, he as telling me all the serious foodie questions I needed to ask if I got in.

He went into work, and I went back to sleep.

At 8:39 my phone rang. It was Initials.

He hadn't realized that the paperwork involved in asking for the day off was mostly just a reminder to his boss to put it on the big calendar. He was at work for 30 minutes, and had a big sale, and then his boss stopped by his cubicle asking why he came in to work today.

Instead of being annoyed with himself, he was delighted that he would have the day off. He called to make sure it was ok that he came back over to my place, and we could hit the farmer's market, maybe get something signed by the Top Chef people, do some errands, and hit the Jazz at Five free concert that evening.

He booked it back to my place, and we went out to breakfast, and then stopped by the Top Chef Trailer and put our name on the list. We didn't get into the first demonstration, so we wasted time at the farmer's market. We didn't get into the second show, so we wasted time walking around downtown. And I found $60 on the ground, so I took us out to lunch. Awesome.

Our names were called for the third and last demonstration. We climbed the stairs into the mysterious ugly-orange Top Chef Tour Trailer. It was fairly comfortable, air conditioned, with about 30 chairs set up so the audience could see what the two presenters were making inside one of the smallest food prep areas known to man.


The Top Chefs for our session were Stephanie, winner of Season 4, and Dale, gaycub finalist from Season 3.


After watching a ridiculously long intro on the digital TVs at the front of the room, Stephanie and Dale walked in and began to cook for us. They had both worked together at a couple of restaurants in Chicago before they joined the show, and they were friends and had some fun banter while cooking.

They didn't really do a good job explaining what they were doing, or what they were making. After a quick diversion playing up their audience (We knew we were in Wisconsin, so we had to do something with cheese), they got to cooking and the audience got to asking inane questions. "What was it like being on a reality show?" "What was Hung really like?" "How has your life changed being on the show?" and other questions that are asked to every reality show contestant.

They made a fruit salad topped with fresh-made cheese ravioli with a lemon honey vinaigrette. It was alright, but considering the quantity they needed to make and the size of the kitchen, as well as the distractions of answering questions, it was a good showing.

After the show, we got in line to get signed head shots. I got the brilliant idea to get Dale to sign my chest, because I am a geek like that, and I think it would be funny to get a minor celebrity to sign my chest—why should all the 80s rock stars get all the fun? I unbuttoned a few more buttons on my shirt, and when we got to the front of the line, while Initials was making some small talk with Stephanie, I blurted it out: "Will-you-sign-my-chest-Dale?"

There was a moment of filled silence, the way there is in TV shows, and then everyone started laughing. He said no, it was inappropriate because there were too many little kids around. While he was signing the headshot, he then said that maybe, if we weren't in public, he would have. I asked if he wanted my number, and he laughed again. I wasn't kidding. Initials and I got our headshots and started to walk away, doing that thing where we both were wearing shit-eating grins, but not really saying anything, just smiling and giggling slightly every couple of breaths. I looked back, and Dale was totally checking out my ass.

It wasn't for another block that I realized that Stephanie had written on her headshot that she would have signed my chest had I asked her instead. Lame!

When I get access to Initials' digital scanner, I'll upload their headshots as proof.

LiveDeadBlog: Change You Can Believe In

The most shirtless pics of any political liveblog, or double your money back.

Yes, I know I promised you all a liveblog for each night of the convention. Unfortunately, after work last night, Initials and I met up for happy hour drinks at the bar across the street from where I work. And when we were about to head home, it starting raining, so we decided to stay for dinner. I had the brisket, he had the duck. It was delicious. But then the rain turned into thunder and lightning. So we stayed for an after-dinner drink. And then we had another.

Long story short, I missed Obama's speech. Hopefully no one cares too much that I failed you last night. I'll watch it on youtube eventually. But here's a few more shirtless pics that I was planning on posting. That should make it up to you.

Wednesday: Securing America's Future

The most shirtless pics of any political liveblog, or double your money back.

8:55 I limp painfully from the bathroom, caused by Initials' choice in restaurant, where his pulled pork sandwich was delightful and mine was a big sopping pile of meat and spicy mayonnaise on stale bread. It did not stay in my stomach for long. I turn to PBS and scare Initials off for the next hour. He's had enough politics for the week.

8:57 Well, PBS already has one up on NBC and CBS, because I actually know who is giving the speech right now. There's a little crawl on the bottom and everything. His tie is ugly though. His speech is awfully boring, despite the fact that giving McCain shit about his voting record when it comes to veteran's rights should be a good rabblerouser.

Oh, he's introducing a Spielberg film. I hope it's "Catch Me If You Can."

9:01 Oh.

9:03 I thought my stomach was doing better, but this is awfully schmaltzy. I think it's the piano in the background that's making my stomach queasy this time. Time to search for more shirtless pics!

9:06 Why yes, I have a heart made of stone and iron. I still don't feel like the video's plea for being nice to people probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I feel as though Tom Hanks should be announcing a walkathon for these people.

9:08 Polite applause at best. Total downer.

9:09 Uh oh. PBS breaks out their first pundit. She's interviewing Iraqi veterans. One looks like he's running for office. Another looks like Chloë Sevigny coming down from a drug high. The third is swimming in his suit.

9:15 Back to Jim Lehrer, who looks just as old now as he did when I was a kid and my parents tried putting him on the television until we whined and they put in a video.

9:16 And PBS has pundits talking over some sort of speech. But not for long. Biden is being introduced by some a Delaware delegate, who's talking about domestic abuse. "Sometimes to change minds, you have to change the laws." That sounds oddly... disconcerting, almost 1984 or Hitleresque.

9:18 Joe Biden's wife looks exactly the way she should. Pretty and blonde and slim, but not pretending to be younger than she is, and wearing a simple dress.

Ayay! Nancy Pelosi's dress scares me. She also can barely wield a gavel. She's giving the podium love taps.

9:19 And now it's time for another video. When Joe Biden was your age, he was winning Senate races while walking up the hill (or should I say "the Hill") barefoot in the snow.

While I'm being bored by this Biden video, let me give you a preview a future post. This afternoon I met Dale from Top Chef. You'll have to tune in Friday for the details.

9:25 Joe Biden's sone takes the stage. He looks like kind of funny in profile, but face on he's DILFY.

9:27 Hey! He's from Scranton. Just like The Office! When does that show start up again?

9:28 It's kind of a sweet story. Biden sounds like a good guy. And here he comes...

9:29 ...wearing a tie that doesn't match his suit while John Mellencamp rocks on the PA.

9:31 He squints too much when he smiles. And zing! a backdoor compliment. Some love to the wife, to Bill, to Hillary, the "bravest warriors in the world" (whatever that means) and Delaware.

"I've never been a man of few words." That's more or less the only thing I knew about Biden before he ran for office.

9:35 Aw. His mom looks adorable. She and McCain's mom should totally have a debate. Or a cage match. Barbara Bush could referee!

9:37 There are some drunk kids out on the sidewalk singing Beyonce. Freshmen are such amateurs when it comes to alcohol.

9:39 "George McCain--I mean, John McCain." Freudian slip! Nice.

9:42 He's friends with John McCain? BURN HIM!

9:44 The call and response thing isn't working so well. It took them a while to hit their stride. Really playing up the Change/More of the Same angle.

9:50 Time for some more call and response!

Oh, I guess not.

9:53 According to wikipedia, his wife is a teacher with a Masters in Education. Awesome. She's holding a mike, so we'll have to see what happens.

9:54 Uh oh, surprise guest? Oh, it's OBAMA! Biden looks actually surprised. Funny.

Does that mean Bill and Barack stood backstage together? Awkward!

Barack takes the mike. Can I get a what-what! Holla! Me and the Biden crew gonna rip it up! Hillary rocked the house!

Oh, I guess Bill is still in the audience, so I guess they weren't backstage together. I thought he was going to speak tonight.

Oh shit. Does that mean Bill Clinton didn't get prime time coverage? Damn.

9:57 We're going to the stadium because change comes from the bottom, not from the top, so we're going to throw the biggest kegger ever!

9:58 And PBS starts again with the punditry while Obama makes the handshaking rounds and all of the families come on the stage to dance to the generic rock.

9:59 Oh, it's Teresa Heinz Kerry sitting next to Michelle Obama. I would love those two bawdy broads to dish it out. Perhaps if Obama loses, they could get a talkshow on cable tv. It'd be awesome.

10:01 While the two families dance to Sister Sledge's "We Are Family" like some sort of sitcom deus ex machina, it's time for some wrapup commentary.

I enjoyed PBS' laid-back style of punditry, trying not to get in the way of the stage. I find myself knowing much more about Biden than I used to, and actually got a pretty good sense of "Securing America's Future." I missed Bill's speech, which totally sucks. I'll have to check that out on the youtubes.

But for now, it's 10:04 and it's time to stick in a movie and hit the hay.

Liveblog: Renewing America's Promise

The most shirtless pics of any political liveblog, or double your money back.

8:59 CBS tonight for the liveblog. Sure, I hate Katie Couric, just like everyone else, but I'm sick of NBC's talking over everything.

Katie Couric looks like a drag queen version of Joel Grey from Cabaret.

9:01 I missed the keynote address by Mark Warner. Instead of the soundbite clips from last night, CBS has some old guy interviewing him, and there isn't nearly as much background noise interfering, either. I like Warner's tie.

9:02 I kicked Initials out to grab some chicken breasts for dinner tomorrow. Last night he just got too annoying and whiny about Obama. He should be back in time for Hillary later.

9:04 Oh, it's David Paterson, the governor of New York. His soundbyte is great. "If John McCain is the Answer, the question must be ridiculous."

9:05 Now Katie is interviewing someone who used to work for Hillary back when she was the first lady. She looks like a lesbian, or maybe a soccer mom who has given up. Dressed all in black--is that an omen?

9:06 On what does Hillary blame her campaign's failure? Obviously, Obama failed to bow down and cower at her feet. Duh.

9:08 Looks like Katie Couric, et al, are talking over some other speech. At least NBC let us see the names of the people they were talking over.

A Hillary supporter needs to hear that Hillary supports Barack Obama in order to change her vote. Um, hasn't that already happened? If you care so much about Hillary, shouldn't you be aware of that?

9:09 Oh snap. Someone just referred to a democrat as a "tofu and sprouts" instead of red meat. Quick, someone mention arugula! Damn snotty liberals.

A history of the 2nd place losers. Reagan doomed Carter, Ed Kennedy wasn't inspiring enough, McCain took potshots at Michael Moore, and apparently those are all of the 2nd place people worth mentioning. Way to get an intern to dig deep into wikipedia for that one, Katie.

9:14 According to the commercial, standing up to cancer involved really crappy mandolin playing.

B:16 Mitt Romney is having fun at the Democratic National Convention. How interesting. I hope he doesn't rain on the parade!


Oh.

Well, making fun of people is fun, so I guess he's having fun making fun of Obama. But according to Mitt, when Republicans mock their opponents, it's different and totally outside of the need

Katie Couric: They called you his attack dog. Did they really mean his bitch?

9:18 Dukakis YES! That's what this convention needs, a poorly lit alsoran who will be best known as a Jeopardy question (or answer) ten years from now.

9:20 Let's interrupt this interview to watch Bill Clinton sit down!

9:25 Another Hillary supporter sucking it up and rooting for Obama. Yawn. Isn't there a new angle they could be taking with this? There seems to be someone riveting talking on the stage behind them.

9:28 Let's talk about the race card! The guy makes a good point. Anyone who's not going to vote for him because he's black is probably not going to vote for him for dozens of reasons. Not only is he black, but he's progressive and forward thinking and doesn't have a white hood in his closet.

9:28 Biden's son is kinda cute, but keeps nodding his head like a chicken poking for scratch.

9:29 Here's a list of everything shitty that's everything that's ever happened to Joe Biden. Why doesn't your dad just slit his wrists?

9:30 Michelle Obama is talking to Joe Biden and half-heartedly clapping when she hears other people clapping. That's totally me.

9:33 Let's play a clip from the movie dedicated to Hillary Clinton that we'll be watching in full in ten minutes!

9:34 The crowd just yelled "NO" when Katie Couric asked the talking head a question about Hillary's effectiveness as an attackdog. Funny. Maybe you should let us listen to the speeches, CBS!

9:35 They've started the full video to Hillary Clinton, but first we have to let the talking head finish blathering.

Bill Clinton is referred to as "Hillary's Husband."

Whipped!

9:38 Oh, and the Saturday Night Live sketch! Nice. All television should come with an Amy Poehler cameo. And Tina Fey. Bitch is the new Black!

This whole video just reminds me on how much I wanted Hillary to win.

I'm sick of the line 18 million cracks in the glass ceiling. It's like, the fifth time I've heard it this convention, and I've only watched an hour and a half.

9:41 Chelsea is dressed in all black as well. A theme for the night?

9:42 Hillary takes the stage in a gold pantsuit. She looks like the Oscar statue.

9:43 They're still clapping.

9:44 A sea of white signs cheering for Hillary. And they're still clapping. Bill looks like he's going to burst with pride, like a parent who's child just won the Science Fair with minimal help.

9:45 All right, now quit cheering. She's got a speech to speechify!

9:46 Hillary is full of pride tonight, proud of being a New Yorker, a mother, a Senator, an American and a supporter of Barack. I guess she's going to deflect all of the talk about Barack being 'prideful' or 'arrogant.'

Arrogant is just another word for "uppity," you know. That's what the Republicans really mean when they say things like "arrogant" and "prideful."

9:47 We're on the same team? Sitting on the sidelines? There's nothing Initials hates more than a sports metaphor.

9:48 No way, no how, no McCain. Close up of Bill giggling like one of those schoolgirls from the Mikado.

9:49 She looks like she means her endorsement of Obama. I like to think I have a pretty good bullshit detector, and she's passing, so far.

And she just referenced that time when she got teary, and people cheered. Yay?

9:51 Let's tug at the heartstrings! It'll make Michelle Obama give good face.

HA! The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits. I love it, it makes Initials cringe visibly from across the room. He's in a cranky mood.

9:53 It's like the Oscars, where people are clapping for the most popular dead people.

9:54 Renew the Promise of America? Way to mention the theme of tonight, and remind me that CBS's coverage fails as poorly as NBC's.

9:58 Initials is amazed at Bill's ability to always know when a camera is aimed at him, and his ability to make the perfect face. I think that he's just a good listener.

10:00 Yeah, Michelle looks like a smug bitch right there. Initials is happy that she looks fat in her dress.

10:03 Wouldn't it be funny if the crowd starting chanting "FUCK McCAIN." If I were there, that would totally be what I would be doing.

10:04 I believe in America! Oh wait, that's the Godfather.

10:05 If you're a slave running away from your master, keep running away. Even though that was illegal at the time. So if you're going to break the law, really go for it, and don't get caught! Is that really what she's saying?

10:06 Yeah, she pulled it off. And by pulled it off I mean that I really wish she would have won.

And they're getting some nitpicking postgame wrapup. Did she talk too much about her similarities with Obama instead of talking about Obama? Blah blah.

Some postgame wrapup:
Like NBC, CBS is a big fan of talking over speeches, although for some reason it didn't piss me off as much tonight as much as it did last night. I still didn't get a sense of "Renewing America's Promise," but I guess that's going to be par for the week. At the end of the night though, I just wish Hillary would have fun.

Liveblog: One Nation

The most shirtless pics of any political liveblog, or double your money back.

8:58: Flipping over to NBC, after watching Ted Kennedy's speech on PBS. I'll admit it, it left me misty-eyed, and sent me to his wikipedia page to remind myself of what a great man he was is. I know, I'm a total dork.

8:59 Apparently someone worked the most dangerous job in the world in a brightly colored prison jumpsuit. Goddamn NBC has some stupid reality shows. Aw, the person who lost grew as a person and is back in Alaska for some stupid reason. Good for her, I guess.

9:00 And so it starts. Brian Williams is talking over someone trying to talk on the stage. Shut up Brian! You are wearing an ugly tie and NBC has already talked over the action during the Olympics. You guys should be done with talking over the important parts.

A greatest soundbite clipshow of Ted Kennedy's speech. He's still looking good, which makes me happy, despite the bandaged hand and the bald spot from the surgery.

9:04 A circle jerk of all of NBC's great talking heads. They are all looking very bored in their Brady Bunch inspired layout.

Ann Curry looks short. I think the cameraman is too tall and is filming her from above and giving her an awkward angle.

David Gregory says blah blah blah. I can't really listen to him because Initials is in the kitchen readying dinner and bitching loudly about the commentary. I can't really blame him, but I'm sitting only a few feet away from the tv and its hard to hear it.

9:07 Andrea Mitchell rehashes the Clinton/Obama drama briefly. Apparently there are people who need a refresher.

9:08 It looks like Brian Williams is doing a crossword puzzle on his clipboard while he's talking to that one guy in the ugly grey tie. Oh, it's Chuck Todd.

Apparently the Democratic Party is like the Mafia, always in search of a powerful family to rule them. I guess?

9:11 Savannah Guthrie is wearing a pastel pink powersuit. There's a guy in the back in a blue polo shirt who's totally checking out her ass.

Ouch! An old woman waves at the camera, and the arm flab just keeps wapping.

9:12 Michelle Obama is going to talk to America using the wonderful power of the television lens! Oh man! Brian Williams, you've blown my mind!

9:14 That "Strong America, Strong Schools" would make a good Democratic ad campaign.

9:16 Instead of listening to a strong female politician, Brian Williams and Tom Brokaw talk about how important they are. Poor Claire McCaskill, you coulda been a contenda.

9:17 Obama is a genie in a bottle baby! You can rub him the right way, oh yeah.

9:20 A John McCain commercial, and you can hear the screams of outrage from across the hall by the hippie college kids.

9:22 Caroline Kennedy comes and talks to Brian about Kennedy some more while someone is making a speech on the main stage. Judging by the screams in the crowd, it's a good speech that we're missing. Fuck you, NBC.

9:23 "Hey Caroline, you were in charge of picking the vice president. Did you like your pick?" Idiot.

9:24 The Michelle Obama tribute goes on during the commercial. Guess NBC isn't about keeping the strong females happy and in prime-time.

Yay! It's dinnertime. Apple cider curried pork chops. Normally we don't eat so late, but my sister needed computer help.

9:26 Apparently Michelle supports her husband. I wish we could get to hear her say that.

9:29 Imagine if you woke up one morning and your sister was married to the Messiah! That's totally what Brian Williams wants to say.

9:30 His brother's mike is overdubbed. Initials thinks his tie "rocks." He's not very good behind the mike.

Biden looks bored.

Wait a minute. That's not a flag decal her brother is wearing on his lapel. It looks like a polar bear or something.

9:31 Michelle's mom is wearing an adorable hat.

9:34 Heh heh heh. Go Beavers.

9:35 Initials is turned off because of the sports analogy. Yawn.

Michelle's hair is SOO Tipper, says Initials. I can see it. Her teal shirt kinda makes her fade into the backdrop though, and the asymmetrical bust looks like she's wearing her older sister's shirt.

9:37 Polite laughter.

9:38 "I come here as a sister." It'd be more fun if she came here as a "sistah." America needs a sassy first lady.

9:41 The speech isn't doing it for me, but I imagine its going to be seen as a success. She's getting into her stride now.

9:42 Joe Biden is nodding his head like a bobblehead doll.

9:45 Ok, I think she's swayed me.

9:46 People like Hillary Clinton who put those 18 million cracks in that glass ceiling. And Joe Biden, for something something something. Biden's cheer was louder. Hillaryites, you better step up!

9:48 Initials is mad at me for not starting in on the dishes yet, and only rolls his eyes when I tell him I will at 10, when the LIVEBLOG is over. It's all about priorities.

9:50 I can hear somebody's cell phone going off at the convention. Tsk tsk, put your blackberry to silent people!

9:52 A cornucopia, a veritable cornucopia, of overweight black women of a certain age acting all proud and shit. Plus one white woman.

9:54 She pulled it off. Initials thinks that she sounds disingenuous, especially when talking about her faith and family, but that's mostly because he was a diehard Hilary supporter, and he hates Obama with a passion that I reserve for fat people who walk slowly on the sidewalk and make it impossible for you to pass them.

OOoooh! Stevie Wonder!

And OOoooh! Barack Obama telecommutes in. Aw. "Hi Daddy." His daughter is adorable. She'd be a media darling like Amy Carter, not a wallflower like Chelsea.

9:57 "Anyone with small children who have been near an open microphone knows how Obama is feeling." Word.

9:59 and some postgame wrapup.

My postgame wrapup:
Fuck NBC. I barely feel as though I got to see anything worth writing about, it was all about talking heads and punditry. It was a ridiculously long hour, and other than Michelle's speech I think there was only 10 minutes worth of substance.

I have no idea if the theme of "One Nation" was successfully portrayed, because I barely got to hear any of it. NBC, you fail.

And now it's bedtime.

Next Week's Posts

For those of you who are interested, I plan on live-blogging the Democratic National Convention during prime time next week. At least Monday's, and we'll see how it goes. I know after I live-blogged the Oscars, I got feedback saying that people wish they would have had known I'd be live-blogging. So consider this your warning.

Initials used to be a public policy/international relations major in college but gave it up because he thought the people were too annoying, and consequently he gets really, really annoying and bitter when politicians don't agree with him. So we'll see how many days I can go with watching the convention without smacking the boyfriend upside the head and sending him in the corner to read a book or something.

I don't know if I'll be the funniest, or the best informed live blogger out there covering the convention, but I promise to post lots of pictures of cute shirtless guys to make up for it.

Oh, and I'll mention this upfront: I don't think I'll be live-blogging Wednesday's event. The Top Chef tour is stopping by that day, and I totally plan on seducing Dale that evening.

Because I'm a starfucker, baby. Or at least a wannabe starfucker. A B-list cable reality show star fucker. (I gotta start somewhere.)

Sonata for Executioner and Various Young Women

So let's say you and your boyfriend invite your threesome buddy over to hang out and watch a movie. He's been busy rehearsing for a new play, and so you haven't seen him since July, and didn't do anything that time anyway. You'd think that since "go back to my place and watch a movie" has been code for "getting it on" since Beta was the format du jour, you'd be pretty good at determining which movies are good to run in the background. This isn't your first time at the rodeo, kid.

Barbarella is not one of those movies. While the soundtrack is wonderful for the horizontal mambo, occasionally you may look up at the screen and find Jane Fonda as an intergalactic spy riding a blind half-naked Angel across a tye-dyed sky or find her being eaten by wind-up toys with steel jaws while red-headed twins point and laugh. Or you might find her strapped in a Killer Orgasm machine.

NB: Despite the movie being rated PG, the video isn't worksafe.


And surprisingly, once someone catches a glimpse of a scene like that, everyone slowly stops paying attention and starts laughing at the screen. Fortunately though, everything worked out in the end, both for Jane Fonda and for us.

A Merry Hobo Christmas

It was 4:50 on Hobo Christmas, and I wanted to book it. All of the downtown leases end at noon on August 14, and most move-ins don't start until 9 AM on the 15th, and the curbs are piled high. Sure, there's a fair amount of garbage, but between all of the bins there is a plethora of furniture to be had, for free. Bookshelves, desks, dressers, microwaves, bedframes, you name it, you can find it in pretty good condition on the curb. For those of us who renewed our leases, it's an easy time to pick up some new furnishings to freshen up the place so you don't get too sick of it.

I was sitting at the desk, recapping the ridiculousness of the previous night to my supervisor. Initials' coworker had talked him into going to bingo, and Initials talked me into it. It'll be fun, he says, and lots of people play it ironically. Plus the beer is cheap. Plus we could win $1000. Of course, it was a sea of white hair and we won nothing. Also, Initials and his friends are all idiots who can't follow simple directions. Why aren't they calling any Ns? What do you mean, it has to be an X? This is complicated. Plus, none of them can hold their liquor, and we got lots of dirty looks by old ladies who wanted to beat us up with their walkers for interfering with their bingo game.

By 4:57 the conversation had mostly fizzled and segued into mindlessly staring at the clock, waiting for my replacement. The coworker who was coming to replace me walked in, black Jackie-O glasses doing a poor job of masking the flow of tears. Her chest was heaving, and you could hear her inhaling snot from across the lobby.

My supervisor immediately rushed to the front doors to comfort her, asking what was wrong. Through her tears, she says "Wet... pie your... cigarette."

She is asked to repeat herself. She sniffles and says "I sped lube pry ends."

Eventually, we catch on. She just said goodbye to her best friend.

Which is sad, sure. But her friend is studying abroad in Paris next semester. They have the postal service, and phones, and internet in France. She'll be back in December. There's no reason to scare off visitors in our front lobby. She was crying like her mom just died.

I know that girls are more sentimental about these types of things. I was never one for tears on the last day of school, and promises to write at the end of camp, and vows of keeping in touch. Maybe it's just a guy thing, not to get too worked up about stuff like that.

Eventually, at 5:02 she composed herself and made it to the breakroom to punch in. "I wasn't even supposed to work today" she mutters to herself, to which I reply "That sucks."

"Be nice" says my supervisor with a frown, and gives me the ok to head out.

I ended up with a new-to-me lamp, bedspring, headboard, and bookshelf. But now I'm pretty sure my coworkers think I'm a dick now. Whatever. They're a bunch of pussies.

Problem and Solution

It's tough enough getting anyone to read these days, let alone young boys. The Wall Street Journal had an article today titled Problem: Boys Don't Like to Read Solution: Books that are Really Gross. The article goes on to extol the virtues of books like Leopold II: Butcher of the Congo, Help! What's Eating My Flesh? and Sir Fartsalot Hunts the Booger. Apparently, it's much easier to get grade-school aged boys to read if they're grossed out at the same time. Makes sense.

For getting older boys to read, the answer is much simpler, and a lot more pleasing to the eye--nudity!


More Than It Hurts You by Darin Strauss


World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks


Watchmen by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons


What to Eat by Marion Nestle


The Bear Went Over the Mountain by William Kotzwinkle


Lulu Meets God and Doubts Him by Danielle Ganek




See? Don't you feel like reading already?

'Llectuals

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Chris Thile

The birthday picnic went off more or less without a hitch, by the way. A little rain, but we retreated to a different park that had gazebos and lots of shirtless guys running after the humidity went down, so it all worked out in the end.

Initials gave me Punch Brothers tickets, and in honor, here's a muxtape filled with the various works of Mr. Thile, solo, with Nickel Creek and with his new band. Also, a youtube video of my favorite song, only available in bootleg youtube performances (I believe).

Pop Quiz

Q: What do me, my boyfriend, my fag hag, the guy my boyfriend and I have threesomes with, the guy my boyfriend and I want to start having threesomes with (he's mulling it over), and my sister have in common?

A: We'll all be at a picnic the boyfriend has prepared tonight in celebration of my birthday, and so it will either be a blast or we're all going to feel real awkward at some point during the picnic.


I'm leaning towards the latter, since at 5:40 this morning a drunk woman started buzzing the boyfriend's apartment, and continued buzzing his apartment until a nice police officer came and convinced her that we were not hiding her baby daddy Shane.

I have a sneaking suspicion that it's going to be one of those days.