July 12, 2004

Leave a comment with joke suggestions.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I work for a large, dehumanizing company doing menial, degrading labor. (But hey--don't we all?) I don't know how many of you have read the short story A & P, but I swear to god that if any pretty boys walk into my store, I'm totally pulling an Updike.

There has got to be a better set-up to the line "I'm pulling an up-dyke." If you can think of one, leave a comment. The winner get to...um... win.

(In the story, a handful of girls walk into a grocery store and are accosted by the manager, and the guy quits in disgust. Essentially. That's what I mean by "pulling an updike." But there's got to be a joke in there somewhere. The teenage boy in me knows it.)

Anyway, I'm beginning to find the fun in my job. It's like the customers all queue like lambs to the slaughter to be mocked mercilessly (usually silently). Sometimes I use polysyllabic words to see how they respond, and then give an incorrect definition if they inquire what the word means. Once or twice I slipped into a Russian accent and pretended not to understand the customer. A lot of the customers are really dumb and don't catch on to my entendre-laden quips. It's a good thing I only work for another month or so, because if they catch me, my ass is totally fired.
Me: I'll need to scan that, actually.
Customer: (Possibly a bit drunk, definitely a bit senile) Ah. You're a good man.
Me: Yep, I'm the greatest.
Customer: Like Muhammad Ali?
Me: Not really. I guess I'm just the best man.
Customer: Always the best man, never the groom, ain't that right, man?
Me: Well, I doubt I'm going to be a groom anytime soon.
Customer: What, having troubles with the ladies?
Me: Eh, girls aren't really my thing.
Customer: Oh don't worry. Once you go through puberty, the girls will sure to notice you.
Me: Since I'm over six feet with a five o clock shadow and more leg hair than I know what do with, I'm guessing I'm pretty close to being done with puberty, actually.
Customer: You're right. You are kind of a big guy (NB-While I am tall, I am skinnier than that Olsen twin)
Me: Oh, you have no idea.

At this point, the manager walked by, and so the conversation fizzled out. But I assume that you get my drift that customers only exist so that I may amuse myself.

(I know posts about work can get real old real fast, so I've tried to limit them. I just thought that the dialogue with the old guy was too good to pass up.)
Here lies a most ridiculous raw youth, indulging himself in the literary graces that he once vowed to eschew. Now he just rocks out.