Early this morning in a surprise announcement the White House proclaimed that the president had in fact become a homosexual. "The president has recently learned of his desire for male on male intercourse and is working closely with his doctors to rectify the situation," said White House press secretary Scott McClellan.
"These past few days have been all about the cock," according to our source in the administration, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "I cannot get the idea of Rummy's crotch-viper slithering its way into my stinkhole out of my head. I mean, God damn! What more could I want than to be filled? Every orifice. I bet you John [Kerry] has a fantastic set of balls... I can almost feel them slapping against my chest as I take him to the hilt. If only he could win the election so I could "show" him around the White House, we'd make Clinton and that lady look like a couple of fucking heteros."
President Bush issued a short statement:
"I am a fag. I tried to warn America. I said we needed a constitutional amendment. I said sanctity. I said values. Those little sissy liberals cried foul and pouted about 'rights' to make me sound like a Nazi. Now look what happened, America. Pay attention. They have turned me, a beacon of honest, values and good-old-boy smarts, into a cum-guzzling fag-o-tron. I will get better. God is on my side. I urge you now, America, in these troubled times, to stand up, fight the gay community and anyone who isn't a real human." The president was escorted out at that point.
Alright, that's enough. That was my funny article about Bush being a fag. The point is that it is ridiculous that this is an issue. Shut the fuck up. Everyone calm the hell down and look around. It does not matter if that person next to you likes to have sex with people that look like anything. It does not matter. It will never matter. If you are religious and you think that it matters and we need to pass legislation to stop people from having sex with other people and loving other people then you are a fucking bigot and I hate you. We live in a time and place that should have no room for bigotry especially from the people who appear to run this country. Shut the fuck up. All of you.
I love the opinion page of the student newspaper.