November 5, 2004

Another forward, from my mother

Who are these people who voted for Bush? I don't know them. Do they live in an alternate universe from mine? I've been wondering that all day. Then someone sent me this message. Maybe this explains it:

You might be a Dubya Supporter if... lost your job at the mills and you are now working as a greeter at Walmart, but you think the economy is stronger than ever before. think that the institution of marriage needs protection from gays, despite the fact that you are in the middle of your third divorce.
...when you see a sobbing Iraqi woman on TV, you think she is crying for joy at being liberated, and you can't understand why more Iraqis aren't overwhelmed with joy to see American troops marching down their street. demand that the government give you school vouchers to send your kids to a parochial school, but protested when Muslim students wanted to wear their head wraps to the local public school.
...someone tells you that no complex problem has a simple solution, and you immeaditly start chanting, "Flip Flop! Flip Flop!" even in a public place. think that the Bible says that God wants us to use up everything the Earth has to offer so as to bring on the End Times sooner. got in a bar fight when a stranger told you that Dubya had joined the Texas Air National Guard to avoid Vietnam. know that the WMD's in Iraq will be found tomorrow, that Osama was a regular guest of Saddam's, and that the United Nations was just a front for Iraqi sponsored terrorists.
...the last time someone told you that the increasing frequency and severity of the hurricanes hitting Florida were a predicted part of the process of global warning, you told them, "No, those hurricanes is God's way of punishing all them lying Democrats thats were tryin' to steal the 'lection from my homeboy, Dubya - and warnin' em not to be tryin' that again!" live in a trailer park, and beleive that your home is directly threatened by terrorists. know that Muslims, terrorists, Iraqis, Afghans and the French are all really the same, and are in league together against the United States. can't decide if John Ashcroft hasn't been given the authority he needs, or if he is just soft on crime. get so annoyed at all those poor people, and can't understand why they spend so much time and effort trying to stay poor when they could spend that time being productive members of society. want anyone who says that we aren't winning the war in Iraq locked up in jail, along with Jane Fonda.
...whenever you see Dubya on TV, you stand up and yell, "Hail, Caesar!" cheered for Ken Starr, but you consider attempts by journalists to get Dubya's driving records and Cheney's energy commision meeting notes to be invasive, tabloid style journalism at best. think more American's don't have health insurance because they just don't want it. protest at abortion clinics agains the murders comitted there, but you still send letters congratulation to Dubya every time the electric chair gets fired up in Texas. went around calling Clinton a "hop head" and a "druggie" for trying marajuana, but discount Dubya's cocaine use "'cause he got born again." tried to find "Earth Last" on the web so that you could make a donation in order to help stop the environmentalists from controlling your life. get mad at homosexuals for not seeking help for their "illness." argue that the greatest day in American military history was the day that Dubya stood on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincon and declared, "Mission Accomplished."
...anytime anyone mentions France, Germany, China - or any nation that doesn't agree with current US foreign policy, for that matter - you just exclaim, "We'll kick der arse!" resent any form of government intrusion into your life, but think that the Patriot Act is weak and needs its enforcement provisions strengthened. go to McDonnalds and order McFreedomFries with your McBurger. gave money to the Swift Boat Vets, but want Kitty Kelly's new book to be banned. donated money to Martha Stewart's legal defense fund. hid your Bible under your bed, just in case the Democrats win the election and try to take it away. support Dubya's lawsuit against the FEC because only the Democrats make an effort to get around the soft money laws. write letters to Dubya in favor of a flat tax so that your taxes will be lowered even more. don't let your kids go to the public library or use the internet so that they won't be corrupted by Satan's hand on Earth. rail at sex education and condoms in schools, because if there was no sex education or condoms in our schools, teenagers would never have sex. think all those wounded vets coming back from Iraq are just a bunch of whiners - they got paid to fight, and when you fight, you get hurt.
...when you go squirrel hunting, you know that you'll be needing your AK-47 with the extra-long clip, the muzzle-flash supressor and the collapsable stock. Those squirrels are squirley, after all. know that we don't need to give Afghanistan any huminatarian aid - after all, didn't we drop packages of peanut butter and rice after the invasion? took the catalytic converter off your car just to help prove that Global Warmin was a hoax.
...God told you that he wants his Chosen Nation to smite the infidels who are sullying His creation with their continued existence. really think that one day, the tax cuts that Dubya gave to the top 1% will apply to you. Or to your kids. think that God created the so much beauty on Earth for more space for parking lots, and to give Himself more places to hide oil. think that John Kerry is a cowardly war criminal who was able to con the military out of three purple hearts, a bronze star and a silver star - but the couragous Dubya fufilled his service obligaitons, and the military could not possibly have made a mistake with HIS records. think that Clinton was a sleaze, but you want a Real Man in the White House. got mad because those damn greenies stopped you from driving your Hummer off-road in Yosemite. know that we have to shut down the Iraqi press, enforce a curfew in Bahgdad, have tribunals for Iraqi prisoners, and kill all Iraqi insurgants on sight in order to bring freedom to Iraq. reported your Granny to the FBI for buying her medication in Canada. think that whoever wrote this list is a traitor and should be locked up. Probably at Abu Ghraib. Or maybe even shot.
Here lies a most ridiculous raw youth, indulging himself in the literary graces that he once vowed to eschew. Now he just rocks out.