As inspired by McSweeney's

Things I wanted to say to one of my roommates this weekend but didn't

"Rich--someone called for you while you were at dinner. Oh, it was 15 minutes ago, and they'd like their fashion back."

"I have more artistic integrity in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body."

"What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!"

"No, I don't find you condescending... I mean, how could you condescend to me?"

"I don't know what your problem is, Rich, but I bet it's hard to pronounce."

"Oh, you're not in costume yet? I thought you were going as a giant douche. My bad."

"Watch your step--you don't want to trip over your double-chin."

"Rich, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents."

"It's people like you who make me think that maybe Hitler had the right idea."