June 6, 2005

Take Another Little Piece of my Heart

As far as you and me go, I'm having to re-evaluate how I define relationships...and how I define cheating.
It's pretty rare that a line like that comes up in a conversation and bad times don't ensue.

Yep, that's right. I was dumped. Well, I don't know if I was dumped, but it's off. Via an AIM conversation, again, no less. That gives me a perfect 100% when it comes to the other person ending the relationship and using AIM to do it.
Anyway, I don't think you should feel the way I think you're going to feel about learning that I had sex with someone else.
Why gee. Excuse me.

In a nutshell:
Heart meets up with a friend (whom he's had a crush on, off and on, for about 8 mos)
They go out drinking (though Heart told me he couldn't drink, because of his meds)
Afterwards, he invites Heart over to his place to watch a movie (basically synonymous with 'wanna fool around' in the college crowd)

And here's the kicker.
When he asked me what I wanted to do, I told him, if you want to take advantage of me, now's the time to do it.
What a sweetheart, eh?
Let's not be all dramatic about this
I wish I would have said no. No, let's be all dramatic about this. Yes let's scream and fight and really get things out in the open. But I didn't.

But by the end, he was the one who got more emotional than I did. I took it remarkably well, to the point where I'm ashamed that I wasn't in tears, just misty-eyed, and by the end, he was.
Yet somehow it still comforts me just to be chatting with you... even when I should feel awful. I almost want you to dump me, just so it will hit home how much I...
Oh, I hope you realize that this is over. This hurt me way too much. I just can't...
Then I guess it does no harm in finishing what I was about to say.
How much I love you.

Thank you.
But that can't change things.
But I think it was this exchange that made it easier for me to realize that it wasn't working out.
And maybe if our relationship had been more passionate, I wouldn't have been compelled to sleep with someone... I wouldn't have felt like I was undesirable, despite the fact that supposedly have a boyfriend. This is definitely not about me being a bad boyfriend.
But this is DEFINITELY not about ME being a bad boyfriend.
I'm sure I will have plenty more to say about that in the future. But as for now, my dad's coming home from the hospital around noon (too soon, in our opinion) and I've got to go help make sure things are ready for him.

The week began with my dad rushed to the hospital with fear of a heart attack, and the week ended with Heart breaking my heart. What wonderful parallelism.
Here lies a most ridiculous raw youth, indulging himself in the literary graces that he once vowed to eschew. Now he just rocks out.