So this guy walks into a talent agency, and says that he has this great new act, one that’ll blow everyone away. One of the talent agents had a cancellation, so the secretary penciled him in and showed him to the talent agent’s office.
The agent rises, shakes his hand, and asks what this great new act is.
"Well, it’s a family act."
"I don’t know. Family acts are on their way out."
"No, no no. You’ve never seen a family act like this, I swear. This one’ll blow you out of the water. Honest to goodness."
The talent agent nods his head, and asks what’s so great about this act.
"All right, so it’s a family act, so me, my pregnant wife, and our two kids come out in these hospital gowns. They strap my wife onto a gurney, and she starts to give birth. My son lies on the floor, mouth wide open, catching the placenta and all the extra juices. The baby’s head pops out, and my daughter has a towel ready and wipes off the infant’s face. I lift up my hospital gown and stick my cock in the baby’s mouth, trying to fuck the baby back in while my wife is trying to pop the child out.
While this is happening, my daughter and son go off and get the film projector ready. They’ve been working on this cartoon of Muhammad, wearing go-go boots, neon-pink hot pants, a “No One Knows I Suck Dick” tanktop, a rainbow turban and a feather boa. He strips, and there’s hair everywhere, to the point where you can’t really make out his penis, which is pretty small anyway, and just starts jerking it. That video plays on loop for a while.
All right. My wife’s trying to have a child, and I’m fucking the infant’s face. I get a little too violent and the baby’s head pops off. I grab the head and grab an ice cream scoop, reach in and start scooping up the baby’s brains and flinging them at the audience. (The first few rows have garbage bags to protect themselves, like a Gallagher show.) When the baby’s head is more or less empty, I set it on the floor and take a dump in the head. It’s a pretty creamy load. My wife gets off the hospital gurney and takes a dump in the baby’s head, and lets all the excess juices drip back into the baby. My two kids come and take dumps in the baby’s head. I take the ice cream scoop and stir it all together, so it’s a nice even consistency.
My daughter wheels out grandma, who’s naked and in a wheelchair. My son brings out a xylophone, and he sticks a mallet in grandma’s cootch. She leans back, opens her legs and starts playing “Dixie” with her vaginal muscles.
My son goes and brings out his cousin, who’s got down syndrome (it’s kind of sad, really) and my wife and I spread the crap all over his face and arms, into blackface, and then he goes to the front of the stage and starts singing “Swanee’ with a big grin of his face and does a little dance that he’s been working on.
He sees a seeing eye dog in the audience and gets all excited. He goes to pet the dog, not realizing that we’ve stuck hot dogs and steaks into his back pocket. The dog goes berserk, and starts tearing away huge chunks of my nephew’s flesh. My nephew is screaming really loudly for his mother, but we can’t really understand him because his pronunciation isn’t very good.
While this is going on, my son and daughter goes out into the audience and try to find the most Jewish looking person they can find. They knock him on his head and drag him to the stage. We have a cross on the middle of the stage, and we strip him and nail him up, making sure to hit the wrist and not the palms. We spin him around, like on Wheel of Fortune, and he lands on torture.
We remove all of his fingernails, and fill his anus with miniature driedels. My son is on the foot of the stage with a blender, making a pork and cheese milkshake. He breaks open the Jew’s jaw and pours the concoction down his throat. My daughter goes through his wallet, takes out all of his money, takes the wad of bills and lights them on fire in front of the Jew, which makes him scream out a lot louder than he was before. She uses the flaming wad of money to light the Jewish man’s beard on fire. My son vomits out the placenta to put out the fire.
While this is going on, my wife comes back onto the stage with a shovel and two corpses, those of her mother and father. She wheels a laboratory onto the stage, and sets up the two bodies. My son and daughter strip down, while I attach electrical cords to their nipples, balls, and anuses. My daughter drops to her knees and starts sucking off my son. Once my son is nice and hard, he throws her off of him, and starts fucking her up the ass. The friction travels through the wires to a generator, and once it reaches a fever pitch, the turbine starts working into overdrive, and it’s kind of like in Frankenstein, with the lightning bolt, except this time the electricity comes from the force of my son’s fucking. My son starts smacking her face and choking her while he’s fucking her. She passes out, and hits her head. She's got this big gash on the side of her head, and my son scoops up some of the blood, pulls his dick out of her, and uses it for lube. He keeps fucking her, hard.
My parents-in-law come to life, stand up, and go to the front of the stage and start fucking. His penis falls off while he’s inside her, and so he turns around and bends over. She queefs, and shoots out his penis and it goes right into his anus. He farts, and sends it right back into her vagina. They keep on doing that for a while, until the friction starts to be too much, and the penis lights on fire. My mother- and father-in-law crotches are on fire, and the fire spreads to their entire bodies, and they jump out and run around the aisles of the audience, screaming in this weird jibberish that sorta will remind you of the Japanese after we dropped the bomb.
All right. Mohammad’s jerking off on the screen, my mother has started playing a song she’s written in the memory of Hitler on the xylophone, my nephew’s blackfaced remains are being eaten by a seeing eye dog, the Jew is screaming on the cross, renouncing his religion, my parents in law are running around like little children in Hiroshima, and my son is fucking my daughter, who has by now passed out.
I reach down and pick up the fetus that’s been lying on the floor this whole time. I rip off the baby’s leg, and take a big bite out of the flesh. The muscles are still kind of tinuey, but I’m able to chew them and blow bubbles with the flesh. While I’m blowing bubbles, I walk over and force my cock down my unconscious daughter’s mouth. I start fucking her face. I drag her limp, lifeless body over to my son and my wife. My wife starts eating out my daughter’s cooch while I’m fucking my daughter’s face. I put out, and start peeing in my daughter’s mouth, and occasionally spray my wife with some of my urine. I get up and walk over to my son, who’s still fucking my wife. I grab some Crisco, smear it on my forearm, and slam it into him. I fish in deeply, spreading his anus, grab some flesh, and rip out his lower intestine. I pull out about twenty feet of his intestine, and start to jump rope with it, still blowing bubbles with my child’s muscle.
And now, for the big finish.
On the screen, Muhammad starts to cum in rainbow torrents. My son cums with such force, it travels through my wife, out her mouth, into my daughter’s pussy, and out her mouth like a fountain. I stop jumping rope, walk over, and take a drink.
I walk to the front of the stage, complete with milk mustache, and take a bow. Taa-daa!"
The talent agent just sits there, in the fetal position, sucking his thumb and pressing the silent alarm, waiting for security to come.
"Iii… Wha…my…Wha—What do you call thi...this...?"
"The Aristocrats!"
