Hi Robert, this is Rebecca from Doctor So-and-so's office. Your test results are in, and if you could please give us a call back, our phone number here is xxx-xxxx. Just go through the options and wait to speak to a nurse. Our office will be open until 5 tonight. Thank you, mm-bye.
Oh shit.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
I left for fifteen minutes, to go pick up my sister from her babysitting gig, and come back to get this message on the machine. My doctor is out of town next week, so I wasn't supposed to hear back about my test results until the 26th or so, unless there was an emergency or if it would be in my best interest to know as soon as possible. I wasn't supposed to hear back from them the next day. This can't be good. Holy shit. Holy shit.
I grab my cell phone and type in the number, and go upstairs and start pacing the hallway between my sister's room and the attic, somewhat hiding from my sister who was downstairs watching tv. I haven't pressed the call button yet, just pacing back and forth, my heart and mind racing. Holy shit holy shit.
I press the button, two rings, then the automated machine. I press four to speak to a nurse, then listen to some Kenny Loggins muzack shit. Still pacing, wondering what's going to happen, and how exactly I would respond. Would I drop the phone and start throwing things, screaming? or just sink to the ground and feel numb and hollow? or would I break down in tears immediately, inconsolable? or take it in stride, and it wouldn't sink in for a few days? Should I be sitting down to hear the news, or am I just going to get an ominous "We think you should stop by the office as soon as possible so we can go over your results." Would I be in any sort of condition to drive to the doctor's office, or would I have to wait until my mom gets back from work? How would I go about explaining it to my mom?
The Kenny Loggins shit wasn't helping, nor was the click every 45 seconds with the mechanical voice "Your call is important to us. Thank you for holding."
Pacing, waiting, heart racing. Pacing, waiting, heart racing. It seemed like forever.
"Thank you for holding, how can I help you?"
I say it all in one breath. "Hi-my-name-is-Bob-I-mean-Robert-and-I-just-got-a-phone-call-a-few-minutes-ago-to-go-over-my-test-results." My hand is shaking, and I can hear the rustle of my phone against the outer ear. It's almost deafening. I lean against the wall to steady myself. Deep breath.
"Ok, one sec while I get your paperwork."
Oh God not more Kenny Loggins. Fortunately not as long this time.
"Ok Robert, your urine test came back negative, so you don't have Chlamydia and Gonorrhea."
Oh sweet. Big sigh of relief. I thank her, and hang up.
Shit. Wait.
I hit redial on my phone, and press four again to speak to a nurse. The same one answers the phone.
I'm a bit more collected now. I'm just pressing my luck.
"Hi, my name is Bob, and I just called about two seconds ago. I took a blood test at the same time, and I was wondering if those results are ready yet, or when they'll be ready."
"Just a sec. Let me check up on that."
More fucking Kenny Loggins. Even shorter this time, thank goodness.
"Ok Bob. Your blood test is still processing for the HIV and syphilis test. It looks like they'll be ready by Tuesday or Wednesday, if you want to call back then."
"So I can call back the middle of next week and find out those results?"
"Yes, or you can wait until Doctor So-and-so gets back from vacation and he'll go over your results first and then we'll give you a call."
Well fuck that. I don't particularly like my doctor, especially the last few years, since I'm pretty sure he's uncomfortable with gay people. The older I get the more I realize I feel like just another number or another cog in an assembly line, and less like I'm getting adequate care. It's just that I'm rarely sick, and if I am, I'll just go to the health clinic at school during the school year. My insurance through my dad will run out once I graduate in December (eep!) so for the last few visits I keep thinking that it'll be the last time I'll have to deal with him, so why bother changing doctors?
"Uh, I'll just remember to give you guys a call. Thanks"
And since then, the stinging sensation during urination is gone. Of course, it never happened every time, once or twice a day, so this could just be a reprieve. Or it could have just been psychosomatic, my unconcious telling me that it was about motherfucking time for me to get tested again, especially since last semester I stopped being so uptight about casual sex. I'm still somewhat uptight, but I'm definitely more open to the idea now.
Or maybe my cure is psychosomatic, that it now doesn't hurt because I'm willing it not to hurt since I tested negative. Since I'm pretty sure that HIV doesn't cause a stinging sensation, I'm guessing I have a simple urinary tract infection, which, as I'm talking to you guys online, it sounds like I have. Which I will need antibiotics to cure, and in order to get the antibiotics, I have to wait until my doctor gets back and make another damn appointment with him.
Goddamnit.
