It was a long, drawn out process. I first decided to get some on Thursday, but first I had to trim, shave, and all-in-all make my naked self as presentable as possible.
Unfortunately, due to some ingrown hairs and a poor choice in underwear, Friday was a nightmare at work. I spent most of the day with a hand in my pocket, trying to adjust myself from sticking where I wasn’t used to sticking, and rearranging my underwear which kept moving and creeping more than it usually did. It was not very attractive, and while I tried to be as discreet as possible, I know I got caught on occasion.
About an hour before quitting time, I decided to fake a headache and head out early because, well, it was a Friday afternoon and I wanted to get laid. I made sure to adjust myself before I walked into his office, but I’m guessing he caught me. As I pretended to have a headache, the skin to my sac was sticking to the side of my leg and it was very irritating, and so shifted my legs to alleviate the problem. He noticed, and couple that with my rearranging myself all the time, he glanced briefly at my crotch, and got an awkward grin on his face. He said he understood the problem, and that it happens to lots of people, they were easy to get rid of, and I was free to go.
I’m pretty sure he thinks I have crabs.
I came back from work and my room was stuffy and smelly. I couldn’t figure out the source, but did some cleaning so I wouldn’t feel so apprehensive about hosting if need be. I washed dishes, took out the garbage, I even got out the Tilex and did some work on the toilet and bathroom sink, should he have to relieve himself afterwards, or if the encounter ended with a post-coital shared shower.
The whole time I was cleaning I was logged into a few sites that are known for their ability to get easy ass. I put a post on craigslist after taking out the garbage, and kept my laptop near the kitchen counter so I could notice if anyone said ‘hi’ or anything like that.
They didn’t.
Eventually, it got to be later, and with no one biting, I decided to head out to a friend’s place. We made Christmas cookies and drank Irish Coffee and Eggnog, and then went to another friends for a beer pong tournament and general merriment. There were no chances for me to get ass that night.
I got back to my place at 2:30 and the pickings online were slim, and so I logged out and went to bed.
Saturday morning I woke up and logged in to the various sites, hoping to take care of the morning wood. No luck. I stumbled upon George of the Jungle on tv, which brought back lots of memories of early masturbation. Brendan Fraiser + loincloth = my first masturbatory marathon. It used to be my favorite movie, and I would check out the VHS from the library as often as I thought I could get away with it before people would start to catch on. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure they did. It’s not that good of a movie, but I did spent Saturday morning watching it, and it definitely encouraged me to get in the mood.
I went to the library that afternoon for an hour to work on some homework, occasionally checking my responses to the craigslist ad. There were a few emails, but they were all either twice my age or sent unflattering close-up pictures of their genitalia and pot bellies.
I went back home after studying and stopped waiting for an interested party to contact me, and sent out a few exploratory emails and IMs, with almost no luck. Guys either didn’t respond, or just replied with a simple no, or said they weren’t looking when their biolines implied otherwise.
The one other guy online who was looking and responded gave off bad vibes. He said he was only interested in being a dom top, and when I expressed reservations about that, he replied along the lines of “If you can’t handle it, it’s your problem and not mine” and that he would “Put me in my place and teach me how to be a sub worth his time.” Needless to say, that didn’t happen, even though he was by far the most attractive person online at the time.
I went and got dinner with friends, slyly talking them out of Mexican (for obvious reasons), and came back to more responses to the craigslist ad from guys too old, too fat, or both, most with banalities like “Age is just a number” and that I should stop being so shallow about wanting to have sex with guys close to my age, that older guys are the only ones who would be able to show me a good time, and other lame attempts on their part to get some college ass.
Later that night was a party, held in the basement of my best friend’s rebound guy. I didn’t really want to go, but she needed someone to hang out with while he was off doing host things, like tapping the kegs, selling cups, saying Hi to everyone, and the like. It was very much a scene out of a bad B movie set at a college, and while I did get hit on by four scantily clad girls in Santa hats over the course of the night, I got zero responses by the guys, who, as a whole, weren’t exactly grade-A meat.
The cops came, and my best friend and I snuck out and got sub sandwiches. My Italian club didn’t sit very well, and I went home right afterwards and curled in the fetal position, clutching my stomach. It wasn’t that I had too much to drink that night, but rather that they probably left the mayo out too long or something.
I had to wake up early on Sunday to babysit my grandma. Long story short, because I don’t really like talking about family here: my grandma has a severe case of dementia and Alzheimer’s, and about a month ago my step-grandfather decided he couldn’t handle it, sent an email saying that he would be visiting his grandchildren in Ohio for the week, and that we should find a new place for grandma to live by the time he got back, and that any further questions should be directed to his divorce lawyer. (NB—this isn’t the ultraconservative grandparents, but the other one.) She’s being shuffled between my uncles while they wait for a space to open up at a reputable nursing home, which is estimated at the beginning of next year. She was staying with the aunt and uncle who live out in the suburbs, and my aunt had surgery on Friday and my uncle worked that morning, and so I was drafted, and basically babysat my grandma from 7:30am until 2:30.
I checked my email when I got back: no responses. I took a long, justified nap, and logged back on. I don’t want to say that I was getting desperate, but I had really planned on getting laid this weekend, and it was already late Sunday afternoon with no one in sight. I chatted with one guy, who realized too late that he lived about three hours away and logged into the wrong chat room. I kept trying, trying to find someone, anyone but no one was interested in having sex with me. By now, almost everyone was ignoring my pvts and emails.
Finally, a cute guy I’d had my eye on for a while but hadn’t worked up the nerve to message logged in. I jumped at the chance.
At just as he replied to my hello, my wireless cut out.
And stayed cut out for over 4 hours, and despite my tricks and playing with the settings
As embarrassing as it is, I started to cry. Well, not cry, but tears formed and I buried my head in my pillow and yelled and punched the bed. It’d been a long few days, with the printing company screwing up my thesis (there’s now a slight chance I won’t be able to graduate), and the fact that I graduate in a week and don’t have any job prospects, to realizing that I’m not ready to graduate, and babysitting my grandma for 7 hours, and that no one wants to date me, or even have a quickie with me. I was tired and cranky and horny and unloved and technologically unfit.
At midnight, I gave up trying to get my internet to work again, and decided to take matters into my own hand. I got out my vibrator and readied myself, and realized at the last moment that my vibrator had broken.
This was not a good weekend.
