6:54 Oh god. His roommate's phone is ringing, and it's that one Mika song. Not only is she an overweight lesbian, but she's a fag hag as well. Goddamnit. It's probably her girlfriend. She has one of those headset phones, and so those two can be on the phone for hours at a time.
6:56 Thank god she's on the phone, and gave the OK to change the channel a few minutes early, and I'm watching the end of the Barbara Walters special. It's like the Oscar statue came to life and aged incredibly fast, and decided to wear ugly Navajo-inspired jewelry.
6:58 Miley is singing over the credits. I'm scared. Her face is squinting like a "straight" guy taking it for the first time.
7:00 Commercial break. Initials is making me Ratatouille. He's making it the fancy way, too. Instead of just throwing all the vegetables in the pot and letting it stew, he's cooking it in the way the rat does in the movie. How cute, right?
7:01 "The most famous red carpet in the world?" Doesn't Lindsey already have that covered?
Regis Philbin? I would have thought it was his bedtime by now. He's got to be up early for the show, and he's old.
7:02 Clooney's girlfriend's dress looked kind of cute from a distance, but now there's a close-up and all of those ridiculous flowers on her breasts stink. Her dress reminds me of a Monet painting done with glitterpaint.
7:03 Stop talking about sports, Clooney! This is the gay Superbowl. I don't care if you have a movie about football coming out soon.
I started La Vie en Rose, but I thought it was too long, and I didn't care for it. She's much better looking in real life, which is nice to know. Her dress is covered in fishscales, though.
7:05 You're not wearing a dress, John Travolta? Why-ever not? The inquiring minds at E! want to know. Oh, I guess it's his wife's turn. Har de har.
7:07 Javier Bardem has huge junk. I'll try and find a picture of it online.
7:08 More Miley Cyrus? Heavens she's everywhere I turn now.
But I mean, making the crowds on the red carpet scream is no big feat. You could scream "Obama is a Nazi" and the crowds would keep screaming loudly.
7:10 Commerical break. I found the pic. Isn't that impressive?
7:13 Faye Dunaway's face is pulled tighter than, I don't know, a three year old's cooter. Insert whatever kind of sexual innuendo joke you'd like there. Initials' roommate is trying to explain to her girlfriend on the phone who Helen Mirren is. Her dress sleeves look like doilies my grandma used to have.
7:14 Another ok dress turned ugly because of too much shit on the bust/shoulders, this time courtesy of Daniel Day Lewis' date for the evening. I'm assuming it's his wife. His tux is ugly and looks navy blue on this small television. Tsk tsk. Are those brown hiking boots?
7:17 Regis has a ridiculously old woman on his arm. I can't tell what the hell is going on because the lesbian is still talking on the phone. The teenager who won that contest to hang out on the red carpet is a total homo.
7:19 Commercial break! Wow I'm really posting way too much. I imagine I'll get bored soon. That, and once the show starts I won't have nearly as much to comment upon.
7:22 Wait--Kristin Chenowith is performing tonight? Hotdamn the gays must be happy.
7:23 I meant to check and see who else is liveblogging tonight. Defamer.com probably is, but I don't have time to check because I'm so full of liveblogging! I hope I'm not repeating too many of what they're saying there.
7:24 Oh Regis. No one cares about the backup chorus of that song. Stop interviewing them and start showing the ugly busts of the dresses of normally hot women.
7:25 She's still on the phone, and trying to talk to Initials at the same time. It's taking like, five times as long as you would think because every other word out of her mouth is "No, I was talking to Initials" and "No, I was talking to Girlfriend" now.
7:27 Jack Nicholson still ranks in the front row? Is this a Lakers game?
7:28 A quick google search shows that in addition to all of the normal suspects, David Spade is going to be live-blogging the Oscars tonight. That should prove to be hilarious. And by hilarious I mean slightly tolerable if there's a laugh track and nothing else better is on.
7:30 But no time for that now! The event is on, and there's a Cars reference. Oh, it's all sorts of CGI-driving in New York references to movies. Look at all of the obstacles on the way to the awards? Is that what they're going for? Because I see crowds of screaming fans, and no picket signs.
7:32 Oh wait. David Spade live-blogged the Oscars last year, back when he still had a show. Now he's probably at home crying in his beer.
Wait a second. I'm sober. What the hell.
7:33 Ah, yes. Jon Stewart. I don't have cable anymore, and I've missed your sardonic wit at bedtime. Your suit seems a little big though.
Lets talk about the strike some more, shall we? There's got to be a gold-mine of comedy in picketing creative people.
7:34 She's still talking on the phone, loudly. Well, rather, she's going "MMmm-hmmm" really loudly and occasionally chuckling. I don't see why she's hanging out in the living room. She's not even really watching the show. God I hate her.
Making fun of Javier Bardem's haircut in No Country for Old Men? How original!
"I see where the Jews are in the audience." Since the Hollywood Elite is run by Jews, shouldn't there be more laughter?
And now a lawyer joke. Jon Stewart is really breaking out the edgy material.
My stripper name is Junebug Stage. I knew that when I was ten.
7:39 And now the political jokes. McCain is old! Iraq movies won't go away! Hollywood votes Democrat! Barack Hussein Obama? Now he's just copying throw-away jokes from the show.
If I had mad photoshop skillz I would totally make a picture of Gaydolf Titler for you all. But there's no time! It's a liveblog!
7:42 Starting out with best Costume Design? I guess they've got to get the boring awards out of the way. They should give it to Across the Universe, if only because the art direction is wonderful and Julie Taymor could use the bump.
Elizabeth: The Golden Age won, and went to a closeup of Cate Blanchett, who again, has a nice dress but an ugly little snake halter thing going on.
7:47 80 years of Oscar montage. I guess after starting out with Costume Design the producers decided to remind people that Oscars have been important in the past, complete with big stars! And Kermit! And monkeys! And Issac Hayes! And Celine Dion! And the Kitchen Sink!
7:52 Oooh! Zing! Burn! Joke at Steve Carrell's expense. That'll teach you to leave the Daily Show!
Anne Hathaway's dress has a boa attached, which, as all drag queens know, may be cumbersome, but nothing is worse that losing your boa.
Best Animated Feature? Ratatouille, which should have been nominated for Best Picture over Atonement and Michael Clayton. I hate Brad Bird, even though he's wicked talented.
7:56 And now it's time for Makeup, and Katherine Heigl is going to break out into tears. Maybe because she knows that this is the only time she'll be gracing the Oscar stage. La Vie en Rose wins, so good for them.
7:58 Happy Working Song! Amy Adams is totally lip-synching. Her mouth doesn't quite match up, especially at the beginning. Where are the dancing rats and scrubbing cockroaches and everything that makes the scene fun? Amy Adams is a decent singer, but she doesn't have the stage presence, especially with this song.
8:04 That McDonalds commercial reminds me of every high school dance I went to, which admittedly, wasn't many. Weren't many. I don't know the grammar. Sliiiide to the right. Sliiide to the left. Let's do the cha-cha slide.
8:05 This whole live-blogging thing is probably going to throw the blog's front-page all off-kilter. Oh well.
8:07 And the Rock gives out the award for Visual Effects. I wonder if that's a comment on the stage of pro Wrestling. He's the most believable during his introduction, which is sad and surprising. Loving the Raiders of the Lost Ark reference. Go Golden Compass! Polar Bear SmackDown!
8:09 Cate Blanchett looks preggers in that dress. A quick look at her Wikipedia page shows that she should fire her stylist. She just handed something out to Sweeney Todd, which I thought was pretty overrated. Actually, after looking at Cate Blanchett in profile, there's no way that she's not pregnant. Either that, or she's been downing a keg a night and has a terrible beer gut. One to rival mine! (I jest.)
8:13 Aw hells no. Did Jon Stewart just refer to Cate Blanchett as a female dog, aka a bitch?
8:14 Finally. An acting award. I'm writing that Javier Bardem has won the award during this obnoxiously long montage about supporting actors. Total shoe in. That leaves me more time to comment on Jennifer Hudson's dress, which has an unfortunate bust. If Initials had enough vodka at his place, we could turn this into a drinking game. Every time a pretty dress on a pretty woman is ruined by the bust, take a shot. I'd be so drunk right now.
8:22 Oscar Salute to binoculars and periscopes? Sounds like it's time for me to grab a drink.
8:24 Yay for Martinis! Keri Russell has ugly armpits, and she's introducing some song from that schmaltzfest that she was in. A black choir from Harlem is singing something inspirational. You go girls!
8:28 Owen Wilson? Too soon!
8:29 Oh, it's just for short film, live action. There's not as much pressure then. Good call, producers! Or is that rude? I'm just saying what you guys are thinking. Some film about Mozart and pickpockets win.
8:31 Ah. Jerry Seinfeld as a talking bee cuts to a montage of bees in movies. Polite chuckle, polite chuckle. Best animated short goes to a music video of one of the most famous songs of all time, Peter and the Wolf. I used to have a little tape that came with a book that acted out the story so I could read along. The announcer totally fucked up her name. Poor girl, she has one of the better dresses of the night. She deserves better, even if her co-winner is wearing an ugly bow-tie.
8:34 Montage for Supporting Actresses. Have I mentioned how much I hated Little Miss Sunshine? Arguably my least favorite film of all time. I left the theatre wanting to punch everyone I met. Cate Blanchett doesn't win, in an upset, which makes Initials sad because he'd totally bone her. Tilda Swinton wins while wearing a velvet garbage bag. She always looks so creepy in real life. Her wikipedia page is updated almost instantly.
8:40 Tilda Swinton's wikipedia page is already updated, and mentions her polyamorous relationship. Kinky.
8:45 Jessica Alba's featherboobs announce science awards. The ratatouille is ready, so yummy, and I imagine posts are going to slow down now.
8:47 Two guys who are not nearly as cute as Jon Stewart says they are. I hope Sarah Polley wins. But she didn't. The Coens did. Not really surprised, but I was still hoping Sarah could pull it off.
8:53 I missed that montage of how they vote, and now Miley is doing something, or announcing something. I'm too busy to care about this song, even is Chenowith is singing. I've got ratatouille, which is a little watery but delicious.
9:01 Shouldn't Angelina win two Oscars for having twins?
9:02 "I give off a Halle Berry vibe." That's my new motto. This intro for Sound Editing is pretty amusing, even if I don't care about the award. I wish Ratatouille would have won, because it should rack up as many awards as possible, but Bourne Ultimatum was pretty good. I have absolutely no idea what makes it great in sound achievement. The guy winning it has grey hair, a ponytail, a goatee and an earring: this is why the terrorists hate us.
9:05 And now it's sound mixing, which I would have thought was the same award. Or at least covered enough of the same ground that it should be consolidated. Bourne Ultimatum wins again, and I wonder how often the two awards go to the same movie. It's different people who win it, but the same announcers, so whatever.
9:09 Best Actress montage. Blah blah blah, Initials is busy talking so I can't pay much attention. His roommate is still on the phone, by the way. Marion Cotillard did a good job, but that movie was just so goddamn long. Julie Christie should have won. Her dress is much better than Marion's anyway.
9:16 Initials is disappointed because Rocco DiSpirito does not have an ass. At all. He's shilling something or other.
9:18 I wish I had a Wii.
9:20 Colin Farell needs a haircut, pronto. He's introducing some song or another, and I'm going to go refresh my glass of wine.
9:22 Clips from every single Best Picture winner? Damn that's boring. Initials and I are planning "Seen it, Haven't Seen it" and I think we are both losing.
9:29 Does anyone like Renee Zellweger anymore? She's announcing some award for editing, or something or other. I find myself wanting to do something else while she's on stage. Bourne Ultimatum wins another one. I don't think it's three-time Oscar winner good, but whatever. What do I know about all that technical stuff?
9:31 Nicole Kidman has a lopsided necklace, which kind of counts in my "pretty dress, bad bust" tally, if only because it's so blatant. I think she's announcing some montage or retrospective. I'm pigging out on some pumpkin spice cake I made yesterday for dessert and I've stopped paying attention, but they're showing some clips of some movies I like.
9:42 Penelope Cruz chalks up another one to the "pretty dress, ugly bust" list. She's announcing the award for foreign film, because she's foreign. Those producers, man, they're clever people. Someone from Austria wins.
9:44 Oh, he's so dreamy! That one guy from Grey's Anatomy is announcing some song, and I've got to hit the restroom.
9:46 Initial's roommate just hung up her phone. That was almost a three hour phone call.
9:48 John Travolta is announcing best song. I didn't see any of the songs nominated, but, uh, I hope that one that Kristen Chenowith sang wins, which I guess it didn't. That song from Once won. Good for it. Initials is praising the dress tha the chick is winning, because it's making her boobs look great, even though she doesn't have much of a set. Stupid bisexual Initials.
9:52 Initials is now paying attention, and he thinks that Jennifer Garner looks like she's sucking weeds.
9:57 The foreign-sounding girl gets to speak, yay!
9:59 Cameron Diaz' boobs look painful. She's announcing Cinematography, which she cannot pronounce. There Will Be Blood wins, which I haven't seen yet. I should probably get on that. I want to see it, but Initials is vetoing that trip to the movie theatre.
10:01 The Death Montage. Everyone clap for the popular zombies.
10:05 I've only heard of six of the dead people. I think I fail.
10:08 Amy Adams, who I thought was wearing a black dress, but instead I think it's a dark green, which makes sense, because dark green on a redhead looks great, is announcing best score. Ratatouille was robbed again, this time by Atonement.
10:12 Jon Stewart announces Tom Hanks, and maybe I'm just tipsy, but I think I like him more and more of a host as the show progresses. Best Documentary Short goes to some movie about lesbians in war, and Initials wants me to Netflix it. I'm not hopeful. The big-boy Documentary goes to another war film, something called Taxi to the Dark Side. Hey, that's an AIDS ribbon. I haven't seen one of those in a while.
10:24 Harrison Ford looks stoned. He's doing that blinky-thing with really wide eyes. Juno wins, stealing yet another award from Ratatouille. Diablo Cody totally looks like a former stripper, or a Betty Rubble drag queen.
10:30 The Awards are now officially into overtime, with only three awards left, by my count. It's some montage about actors now. Helen Mirren's dress still looks hot with ugly sparkly doilies on her arm. Daniel-Day Lewis wins, surprising no one. That little bow thing to Helen was cute, according to Initials. Daniel has pirate earrings. Arrrrgh, matey.
10:40 Montage! Montage! Montage! The Coen Brothers win again for direction, and they are mercifully brief. Or at least one of them is. I think it was Ethan. I don't like Joel's suit, if I can tell which is which.
10:45 And it's time for the Biggie. Initial's roommate doesn't know who Denzel Washington is, but he announces that No Country for Old Men is the big winner of the night. The Coens meander back from stage right, and let the other guy talk for a while.
And...we're done at 10:51, including tag credits. Thank you all for skimming your way down through this liveblog, and I promise I will never waste so much space on the main page with a long, pointless post ever again.
