On the second floor, near the computer lab, there's a bulletin board with grainy pictures of local events featuring residents. There are a few pics from Kites on Ice, some from the Polar Plunge, some from local sports events, and other similar stuff. Fortunately, I'm not interested in anything community-enhancing or anything, and so I haven't been on this board yet.
Until the bastards took a picture of me at the Tons of Fun party, where the roommate and I serenaded the dorm with an acoustic ballad of "Achy Breaky Heart." Now my face has been added to the wall.
I don't think I would mind nearly as much if it wasn't one of the worst pictures ever taken. To begin with, it's not even an actual photograph, but rather a black and white photocopy of the picture. It's taken from below, so you can see up my nose a little bit, my eyes are closed, and my neck appears to be at an impossible angle. Somehow, my chin is past my shoulder. I don't know how that picture is possible, but it is, and worse yet, you can totally tell that it's me.
Now here's my dark, dirty little secret:
I really, really want to take a black marker and X out my face and write FAG next to it.
I have no idea why. I mean, I'd love to watch people's reactions, and see how terrible I can make people feel, but there's got to be a better reason. My desire to make people feel awkward about a potential bigot in the midst is great, mind you, but not enough for me to be so obsessed with finding a Sharpie.
I'm generally not a self-hating faggot. Sure, as a group I find gay kids my age faggy and shallow, but then again, I hate everyone in a group: girls menstruate over everything, jocks are stupid, women can't do anything right, men are pigs, old gay guys who want to give me massages are creepy, etc etc.
Maybe I just want to draw attention to myself; this is all a cry for help. Maybe it's part of an unconscious critique of how butch/femme I am. Maybe I think everyone's getting too complacent and heterogeneous and as a minority I want to backhandedly draw attention to something or another.
Or maybe I just think it'd be funny. I don't know.
