May 23, 2005

no one heard the butterfly flapping in his throat

When one person's body touches another person's body, chemicals under the skin break down and recombine, setting off an electric spark which leaps, neuron to neuron, to the brain. It is all a matter of potassium and calcium.--David Leavitt

I'm a big fan of online tests. I try not to clutter up the blog with them, as I find them lazy and self-indulgent, but sometimes they're fun. Other times, they're not.

I recently took the Enneagram online, and found out that I am an Individualist: The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental


There's nothing like finding out that you hold a special affinity with such wonderful people like Martha Graham (notoriously moody), Rudolph Nureyev (died of AIDS), J.D. Salinger (recluse), AnaƮs Nin (psychoanalysized herself into a frenzy), Marcel Proust ('delicate dispostion,' tempermental), Maria Callas (huge diva, addicted to quaaludes) Tennessee Williams (alcoholic, probable suicide), Edgar Allan Poe (alcoholic), Michael Jackson (duh), Virginia Woolf (suicide), Judy Garland (suicide), "Blanche DuBois" from Streetcar Named Desire(madness) to make you feel like a winner.

Fours are emotionally complex and highly sensitive. They long to be understood and appreciated for their authentic selves, but easily feel misunderstood and unappreciated. They have a tendency to withdraw in the face of a world that seems harsh or crude, and are often somewhat moody or temperamental. They are emotionally centered and spend much of their lives immersed in their internal mental landscapes, where they feel free to cultivate and analyse their feelings. A desire to manifest this internal world often leads Fours to an interest in the arts, and some do become actual artists. Whether artistic or not, however, most Fours are aesthetically sensitive and concerned with self-expression and self-revelation, whether it be in the clothes they wear or in the overall nature of their often idiosyncratic lifestyles.

Fours are somewhat melancholic by disposition, and under stress tend to lapse into depression. They also tend to be self-absorbed, even under the best of circumstances, but when unbalanced, easily give way to a self-indulgence which they perceive as being fully justified as a way to compensate for the general lack of pleasure they experience in their lives. Rather than look for practical solutions to their difficulties, Fours are prone to fantasizing about a savior who will rescue them from their unhappiness.

Well gee. That sure sums me up better than a tree. Well, for the past week or two, at least.

You are so wrapped up in your own quote 'sensitivity, creativity and intuition' unquote that you are completely walled off from other people. You would rather stare at a painting or listen to music than deal with reality. You retreat inside your imagination not because it is profound, but because it's never challenging.

I don't know why I'm so introspective lately.

Well yeah, yeah I do. I only have 3 semesters left, and then I'm out in the real world, with a little piece of paper that says that I like reading and poetry, and I have to start thinking of ways to motivate and market myself. I'm living at home again, and I'm not in the most healthy of relationships. I've lost contact with many of my friends, I'm stuck in a dead end, demeaning job, I don't particularly enjoy college, and I'm just not creative anymore. And all this is taking its toll.

I'm checking out a book from the library tomorrow that will help me embrace my four-ness without saying hokey things like 'embrace my four-ness' that will hopefully set me on the right track.

::edit:: This post is probably more whiny and depressing that I meant it to be.
Here lies a most ridiculous raw youth, indulging himself in the literary graces that he once vowed to eschew. Now he just rocks out.