Put the Book Back on the Shelf

Morrissey would have described them as slate-grey Victorian skies, but ultimately it was more like every single goodbye scene in every single movie you've ever seen: overcast, drizzle, wind, chilly, depressing. And it was overkill; a day of this sort of weather does the trick to set the mood, but after the better part of the week it just gets old. The mood had been sufficiently set. It was the end of semesters, time to say goodbye.

I've never been good with saying goodbye. Or rather, I've always been too good at saying goodbye.

I always hated the last days of high school. It was always designated as a full half day, even though finals had ended the day before. We showed up at 7:29 to homeroom, listened to end-of-the-year announcements, cleaned out our lockers, and then everyone was given their yearbooks and ushered into the cafeteria for booksignings. Which wouldn't be so bad, except that there was usually close to two hours dedicated to finding people, gathering, taking pictures, sob stories and promises to call and hang out during the summer, none of which I really took to. I had my set of friends, and while I probably wouldn't hang out with them during the summer, we'd hang out in the fall and stuff. There were people monitoring the doors, so we couldn't even sneak out early. And I just couldn't bring myself to care.

I'm more of an 'out-of-sight, out-of-mind' sort of guy, at least with friendships. I'd have friends at other high schools, from camps or plays or whatever, but I wouldn't actually call them or hang out with them unless we were together for some event or something. We were more friends of convenience or location or something. That doesn't make our friendships less valid, I don't think. I don't know. Maybe I don't encourage the same sort of attachment as other people, or maybe I just have tons of acquaintences but few friends.

I have tons of AIM names of people I'll probably never talk to again. I'm not good with forging bridges and keeping ties tight. When we hang out, we're friendly, and it's always like old times, but I rarely IM unless I have a specific need. I'm not good at schmoozing, so it's not like that. It's more like, I don't know. I have a lax view on friendships, and have a firm belief that karmically, things always work out.

My neighbors from this past year, my drinking buddies, are both planning on transferring back to the East Coast next semester. There's pretty much no chance I'm going to be in Cornell or Brown's neck of the woods anytime soon, and they aren't exactly pleased with Madison enough to visit ever. Chances are, I'll never see those two again. They came and hugged me, and made this big deal about hanging out one last time. There was too much pressure for a sense of closure or finality. I don't know how to deal with things like that.

With relationships, on the other hand, I think I'm too much with things like that. I'm thinking especially of my first boyfriend, Peter, and our attempt at a long-distance relationship. However, it was my first love, and I was having a rocky first semester at school, so I'm going to pin the clinginess and overextended goodbyes on that crappy school. And every time a romantic relationship has ended, it's been via AIM, and it's easier to be detached and remote, and getting dumped goodbyes are easier to stomach, even if it is rude and there isn't the same sort of closure.

Hell, I don't even think I told any of my friends from freshman year that I was transferring. Well, they weren't really so much my friends as much as they were my roommate's theatre buddies, who are good at creating relationships and attachments at the drop of a hat, only to drop them in a fit of drama at the slightest crank. Usually when you're transferring, you don't find out for sure until June 15th whether you've been accepted or not, so I left with them assuming that I'd be back next semester. Oddly enough, I've barely thought of any of them since then. I have a few AIM addresses, and a few of them still post in their LiveJournals,but I wouldn't say we've been in contact by any means. I may have shown up in one of their conversations in passing, but I doubt that any of them have thought of me since then, either.

Even at parties, I prefer to sneak out clandestinely rather than wait around for an excuse to leave. I hate those fake reasons like "I'm feeling kind of tired" or "I've got a lot of studying to do tomorrow" or whatever. I'd much rather go out for a cigarette and just never come back, or pretend to hit the bathroom and then go use the one back at my place.

So what does this mean? I don't know. I do know that it's kind of sad when someone on my blogroll throws in the towel I'm saddened more then when my drinking buddies say goodbye. It's weird and lame that I can grow more attached to people I've never met, never talked to on AIM even, then people I get soused with on a regular basis.

I'm such a loser.