February 22, 2009

Oscars Live-Blog

6:57 And I'll jump the gun a few minutes and start my first post during the last commercial break in Barbara Walters pregame special. By the by, this is my 1,001 blog post here, so yay me! 5 years and counting. That's almost 20% of my life blogging here under the rawyouth banner. I don't whether to be proud or embarrassed.

6:59 Hugh Jackman giving Barbara Walters a lapdance is going to give me nightmares. If only the cameraman had held the camera at a different angle, for a POV shot. That way I could put the video on a loop and pretend Hugh was giving me a lap dance.

7:01 The ABC Red Carpet has begun. Oh Tim Gunn, how I've missed you. Kate Winslet is decked in Yves St Laurent. The sidebar of her past dresses is a neat effect, though I imagine it'll get really old over the next half hour.

Oooh, a white ribbon on Josh Brolin. I wonder if we'll see more of those tonight. It might make for a good drinking game.

7:04 Amy Adams got like, 20 seconds maximum. Poor girl. Lord knows we need to get an update on the Sex in the City sequel. Priorities.

7:06 Brad and Angie get even less time than Amy Adams; Tim Gunn says they look lovely and Angie smiles and says thank you, and then it's time for a commercial break. They spent more time talking about Frank Langella's tongue-tired daughter. It's like ABC is running a drive-by red carpet interview.

7:09 Oh man. Way to whip out the Bjork dress, again.

Valentino looks like a puckered asshole. Like an aging porn star's bleached puckered asshole.

The entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire is crammed on the small platform. Little boys in tuxes is always a good choice.

7:12 I like Mickey Rourke'sSaturday Night Live-inspired ensemble.

I like Zac Efron's suit less. He's too young for that bow-tie. I know I just mentioned that little boys in tuxes is always a good choice, but he's not looking so good in that suit. He should take it off.

7:14 I think I'm the only person who was wildly underwhelmed by both Iron Man and Tropic Thunder. I just can't understand the whoopla and raves about those movies.

Oh look, it's Hanna Montana. Her dress looks like a dead fish covered in glitter as part of some odd college art thesis.

Anne Hathaway's dress by Armani is like a disco ball. If she curled up in the fetal position she could hang from the ceiling at the after-party.

7:19 We come back from the commercial break with a montage dedicated to accounting. Didn't Jon Stewart predict this?

7:23 Jack Black's wife looks like she's kind of a bitch. It wouldn't surprise me.

Marisa Tomei's dress looks like fanned napkins.

Leslie Mann's dress is another one that looks like a disco ball.

7:26 Do we really need a sneak peek to the Oscars? Can't we just wait the four minutes?

7:28 There's been four different car commercials during the last break before the show starts. I know the car companies are hurting, but I think they've misjudged their audience.

7:30 I don't care for the logo for this year's Oscars, with the 8 done in lights and instead of a 1 there's a picture of the Statue. They don't go well together, and at best, it looks like they mean it's the 8th Academy Awards.

Hugh Jackman looks better with a bit of scruff, I think. His first joke falls flat. The New Zealand jab was pretty cute though.

All Hugh needs is Judy Garland saying "Golly-gee, let's put a show!" Or is that too gay?

The homemade sets are great. The song isn't much, but the sets are overly adorable, like a lemonade stand sign, misspelled with a backwards E.

I think Anne Hathaway changed dresses. She's holding up well. Let's get her on Broadway.

7:36 German techno boyband dressed in lycra for the Reader is pretty great.

Hugh Jackman in kneepads? Yes, please. Hot.

Oh wait, they're elbow pads. Lame.

7:39 Hugh Jackman is now sitting on Frank Langella's lap. He must be frisky tonight.

Best Supporting Actress The list of winners had Amy Adams pulling an upset here. I guess we'll be able to see if it's a scam or not.

7:42 And every actress on earth is giving this award.

Angelica Houston is looking sassy tonight. I know I'm not the first to imply that she looks like a drag queen, but I feel as though she should be lip syncing to Cher.

Whoopi's bit is great.

This extended dedication to the supporting actresses is getting kind of old. I can only imagine how bad it'll get by the end of the night. Just put two actors on stage together, have them make polite, overly-scripted small talk with perhaps a joke that falls flat, and get the show on the road.

Penelope Cruz wins it. I guess the leaked list was a fake.

Hey! I understood most of what she said at the end, in Spanish. I guess I haven't forgotten everything from high school yet. Senora Meyer would be so proud.

7:53 I wonder if WALL-E doesn't win Best Animated Feature if people will start booing. I know I would. I'm one of those slavish Pixar devotees who think it should have been nominated for Best Picture.

It's Tina Fey and Steve Martin! Yay! Their bit is great. Having them read the stage directions from the nominated scripts is kind of a let-down.

7:56 Best Original Screenplay goes to Milk! While I wish WALL-E would have won, Dustin Lance Black is attractive, and we good-looking people like to support our own.

Another white ribbon--take a shot.

Yay! Tina and Steve are back for another award.

Slumdog Millionaire wins for Best Adapted Screenplay. The runaway train has left the station and is picking up steam. Or something.

8:05 HAHAHAHA Space Chimps is getting a shout-out in the Oscar Montage. I wonder how many other throwaway Simpsons jokes will show up tonight.

I guess we'll never know if the audience would have booed, since WALL-E takes Animated Feature. Jennifer Aniston screws up saying the title of the movie; no wonder Brad dumped her.

Best Animated Short goes to La Maison en Petits Cubes. I wish the Pixar short would have won.

Wait a second. There's a movie called Lavatory Lovestory and it isn't a gay porn? Michael Lucas should get on that.

HAHA Domo Arigato, Mister Roboto indeed. There have been a lot of cute moments this year. I'm kind of surprised.

8:16 SJP's (I'm too lazy to type her full name again) boobs look ridiculous in profile. She and Daniel Craig are announcing some technical things. Time for me to go make popcorn. Kettle corn, to be precise.

Art Direction goes to Benjamin Button. I guess they're not getting shut out tonight, as many people thought. Costume Design goes to the Duchess, which was a yawner of a film. Initials is a big fan of costume porn, and even he got bored by the end. Make-up goes to Benjamin Button.

8:26 A montage to romantical films. That vampire movie gets a shout-out. Is U2 rocking out in the background, or is some sort of sound-a-like, a la Coldplay? I don't know if I care enough to search online.

That was unnecessary. And long. We get it. Actors make eye-contact, play footsie, and kiss. The end.

8:32 I don't want to be glib and say that there's some more 'yawn' awards, but it's Best Cinematography. Natalie Portman/Ben Stiller's skit is going to age horribly. We get it, Ben. You're funny. You can stop trying so hard. Slumdog Millionaire wins another one.

8:38 Jessica Biel, wearing a satin toga, introduces some Scientific and Technical Awards. Ed Catmull, of Pixar fame, gets a big shout out. Apparently he doesn't get to go on stage. Sad.

8:43 I assume this is Judd Apatow's ode to bad films. Or maybe just films in general. It's not bad. Usually actors pretending to be stoned gets real old real quick, but this wasn't a bad three minute montage.

8:46 The stars of the short come on stage, introducing Best Short. It goes to Spielzeugland. James Franco butchers the name. To be fair, it does sound like a sneeze.

Spielzeugland. Gesundheit.

8:50 Hugh does another musical montage, and this time he and Beyonce swap allusions to movie musicals. Let's see who can sing the most references to Broadway musicals! It's the gayest contest of all time! Or at least the gayest contest appropriate for ABC primetime.

8:59We're half-way through! Almost. Fingers crossed. Man, that song went on forever.

Ah, no wonder. Baz Luhrmann directed that musical number. I thought it was kind of similar to Moulin Rouge in its old-school pop culture ADD. Also, Australia is the longest movie of all time. It totally makes sense.

9:02 Oh god, every male actor ever is announcing Best Supporting Actor. Shut up Cuba Gooding, Jr. Why are we postponing the inevitable? Just give it to Heath and let's give all the winners tonight an extra 45 seconds before the orchestra drowns them out. Heath Ledger wins, surprising absolutely no one.

9:09 Adrian Brody looks stoned.

9:11 Time for some more yawning. Or maybe a quick bathroom break.

Is Bill Maher's suit made out of vinyl? He looks like a tool, and his smug self-promotion is annoying. Best Documentary goes to Man on Wire and Best Documentary: Short goes to Smile Pinki.

9:23 I like how they try to cover up the remaining boring awards with a montage of explosions and car chases. We're on to you, Oscar producers. Visual Effects goes to Benjamin Button. The Dark Knight wins Sound Editing. Sound Mixing and Editing goes to Slumdog Millionaire.

I would have figured WALL-E would have won a few of these. Animation is always in the ghetto, though, because no one understands just how much work goes into it. People just assume that actors record their lines, and then it's sent to Korea to be animated. People are stupid.

9:43 We're now 9 minutes behind schedule, which isn't too bad, I guess. I wish we could have Tina Fey and Steve Martin back. Maybe they can co-host next year?

Eddie Murphy gives the honorary, humanitarian award to Jerry Lewis. Look at Eddie Murphy clutch that Oscar as he introduces the montage. He knows he was robbed from Dreamgirls.

9:50 The music montage. I missed whether this is best song or soundtrack. Whatever it is, I can't place what the orchestra is playing. I'm guessing Best Score.

Slumdog Millionaire wins it, and I'm running out of patience. Get to something good. It's hard to be snarky when you're this bored. You'd think it'd be easy, but there are only so many speeches given in guys in tuxes before it all turns into a blur. You were delightful at the beginning, Oscars, and then you turned on me. You changed.

9:59 Peter Gabriel famously refused to participate in this Best Song medley because they limited him to a 90 second soundbite. Good call. They got John Legend to sing it instead, and it sounds like every other song ever. Plus, the Bollywood dancers are doing weird ballet-inspired poses behind him, and it's distracting. Now there's an African choir behind him. I guess this is the model UN part of the night.

If only M.I.A. would have performed. Children ruin everything. Slumdog Millionaire wins another one.

10:05 Time for Best Foreign Language film. I forget, can Slumdog win this one? It looks like not. Departures, Japan's entry, wins this one.

Yet another commercial break. And now it's time for the dead people montage. Time to tune out again.

I think having Queen Latifah sing is a distraction. It looks like it's a tie between Michael Crichton and Harold Pinter for the most popular dead person this year, with Isaac Hayes a close third, or maybe Paul Scofield. That's quite a range.

Ooops, jumped the gun a little bit. Paul Newman blows them all away. He was so pretty in his youth. Funny, I thought he was included in last year's zombie montage.

10:20 Only 6 minutes behind now. Reese Witherspoon, the bitch who stole my boyfriend, introduces the Best Director. Slumdog Millionaire wins it. Is it time for the backlash against that movie to begin yet? I'm ready.

10:26 Now it's time for one of the biggies: Best Actress. At least they got some real old school movie stars for this award. None of this Cuba Gooding Jr, shit. Sophia Loren looks like she owns that stage, wearing what might be the greatest prom outfit ever. It looks like neither she nor Shirley MacLaine can move her faces. Melissa Leo looks like an old-fashioned Grand Ole' Opry singer.

Kate Winslet wins. She's been due.

10:38 We are now officially in overtime.

Best Actor presenters include a lot of people I think are overrated. Adrian Brody looks horrible and gives the laziest introduction ever. "If you google his name" has got to be up there with opening your speech with "Websters dictionary defines XXXXXX". Step it up. Ben Kingsley looks like an asshole, which is nothing new. Michael Douglas looks exactly the same as he had for my entire life.

Sean Penn wins it. I suppose he had 50/50 odds, even though Rourke was the sentimental favorite. I was rooting for him. He adds a little politics to his speech, but I agree with him so its OK.

10:48 Best Picture. I doubt would Spielberg announce the nominees like this.

Slumdog Millionaire wins, surprising no one. We get it. They dominate the night, with 8 awards (I believe). We get commercials for next years Oscar Bait during the credits. That doesn't seem right.

10:57 A quick wrap-up. While I thought that the Oscars started off on the right foot, it lost all momentum quickly. I don't know what was the turning point was. There were still some cute moments sprinkled throughout, but by the time we started the technical awards I was tuning out. Hugh Jackman was spotty as best. I hope Tina Fey and Steve Martin are asked to host next year. They were the highlight of the night.

I didn't have as much fun this year liveblogging as I would have liked. Maybe that's because it was just me alone in my apartment tonight. Oh well. For the dozen or so of you who've followed me tonight, thank you. Good night, and expect another post with pictures of naked men with books covering their junk soon.
Here lies a most ridiculous raw youth, indulging himself in the literary graces that he once vowed to eschew. Now he just rocks out.