I heard a rumor the other day. Jake, my Jake, was in talks to be the next big superhero blockbuster movie star. I of course, was excited, and not just due to the possibility of spandex. (mmmm...) I decided to go to the library and learn all I could about the superhero, and then pretend to be all hip and shit when the movie is released. I mean, that’s what I do.
My library recently got a kick-ass grant for a teen section, and so the comic and manga sections are extensive. (I was on the library board throughout my teen years, and so it is in fact mine.) I got to the shelves, and realized that I had forgotten the name of the superhero—now, I thought it was the Green Hornet, but I didn’t see any comics by that name, only Green Lantern. It looked campy, so I checked it out anyway.
I got home and realized I made a mistake—I didn’t check out a book, I checked out the Holy Grail of camp!
Hal tests airplanes for the government. One day, he sees a spaceship crash into some mountains. An alien with a navy bean for a head gives him a pimp ring, a green lantern, and a black and green spandex outfit. The ring, which must be charged by the lantern every 24 hours, is the most powerful thing on the universe, except! it cannot be used against anything yellow. Of course, his arch-nemesis has a similar ring, except it only can emit yellow forces. Fortunately, his ring is powered by will power and Hal’s self-determination and up-beat, can-do spirit saves the day.
Like Sherlock Holmes, the Green Lantern had his own inferior who kept logs of his escapades. It is when this character is introduced that I fell in love.
Hal walks in and finds his eskimo grease-monkey, Pieface, working on his stamp collection.
He has an eskimo grease-monkey cabana boy named Pieface. That’s his name. Even his wife calls him Pieface, or occasionally Pie. That’s either the most cracked out or most genius thing I have ever read in my life. You do not get much better than that.
Since the comic was written before my parents were born, there are more than a few times when a contemporary point of view can distort the real dialogue. My favorite:
(The object of the Green Lantern’s affections has been kidnapped by a gang of woman aliens. They play a giant organ to brainwash her into believing she is a super-villain.)
“Oh, your organ—it’s filling me up. I’ve never felt so—powerful! Don’t stop! It’s incredible! Your organ is the source of all my power!”
Now, I’ve heard that line once or twice, and always chalked it up to my mad bedroom skills (don't believe me? Find out for yourself! Please?). I don’t think I turned my boyfriend into an evil supervillain, though the way he broke things off was pretty cruel.
Unfortunately, I came home to find that Jake would be the Green Hornet, not the Green Lantern, and so all my reading was for naught.
Adding to my displeasure, I find that the Green Hornet’s costume leaves a lot to the imagination. Unless drastic changes are made, Jake will not wear spandex throughout the course of the film. This is unacceptable.
And so, now that the marriage brou-ha-ha dies down, I urge you all to call your senators and insist that Jake wear spandex throughout his next movie. Otherwise, Osama wins, people will start having sex with sheep, and society as we know it will crumble.