From: Bob
To: My English Teacher Senior Year
Subject: Visiting hours
Salutations, Red-Haired Demon of the West!
This is Bob, the prettiest pupil you ever did see. After conversing with Liz Fox this evening, I decided that it might be fun to stop by and see you sometime. (Insert Mae West innuendo.) However, I've decided not to step foot in that building again without written confirmation that you'll be around. I stopped by occasionally last year, and you always seemed to have left because you are a bad teacher and a doodoo head, and there are only so many polite conversations I can have with people I didn't like then and continue to dislike now. I'm leaving on the 13th, so hopefully you'll decide to earn your paycheck one of these days and stay at school for a brief little chat.
Otherwise, if there's a poetry class that you'd like me to rip to shreds, I could always show up during school hours, except for Tuesday, because I think I'm busy that afternoon. Though for the opportunity to lay down some mad poetry skills on a roup of undeserving freshman, I might be able to fit you into my schedule.
Attractively,
Bob
From: My English Teacher from Senior Year
To: Bob
Subject: RE: Visiting Hours
Greetings, Twittering Hamster of the South---
Well, well, well (mighty deep subject for a dooodooohead, doncha think?)! As usual, my schedule changes every day, so you may end up looking for me on the days when I'm not teaching 6 1/2 or 7 hours, and actually have prep time, which means that I am hiding from all so I can get some of my papers corrected and not have to spend another three hours correcting papers at home every night (certain Russian writers would be very proud of the intricate, and correct, construction of this sentence)!
So, my frivolously frittering friend, if you'd deign to stop in to see me, and next Tuesday doesn't work, you have the following choices: Mon-Thursday 5:30-7:30 a.m. (yes, Brighteyes-and this is not a Conner Oberst reference-haul your college carcass out of bed before the sun rises, like 90% of the rest of the working stiffs, and get on over here); Wednesday and Thursday, 9:40-10:10. It's exam week and I have a million exams AND "stoopid" research papers/fact cards to grade before the end of the semester. OR, you could actually visit my abode (you've been there before). I should be home around 5:00 on Saturday, if that works for you. Let me know before 11:00 today, as I have a meeting this afternoon. Or you could call me at XXX-XXXX and leave a message.
I look forward to hearing from the prettiest pupil I ever did see. Or you. Wait a minute, is that elderberries I smell?
My Favorite English Teacher
From: Bob
To: The English Teacher
Subject: RE: visiting hours
My dear elderberry-munching foo-
There's a 5:30 in the morning? Surely you realize that Chinese tradition dictates that the year of the Rooster starts NEXT month, and, while I may be cock-y, I don't think that's what they had in mind.
Of course I'll deign to stop by. I work Saturday until 9, so unless you'd like to stop by and pick up a giant bottle of tequila to help you get through the night, I would have to stop by too late for an old working-stiff fogey like yourself. Besides, I've had more than a few friendly reminders from police officers that teachers don't always enjoy it when I visit their homes under the cover of darkness.
I babysit on Wednesday morning, so it looks as though Thursday morning you should prepare yourself for the awesome experience of my visit, for I'm Mr. Brightside. Shall I meet you in your room, or do you want to meet out by the bike rack for a quick smoke between classes? C'mon--all the cool kids are doing it.
Eternally the Dorothy Parker to your Alexander Wollcott,
Bob
From : The Same English Teacher
To : Bob
Subject : RE: visiting hours
Old Fogey? OLD FOGEY? You are a worthless piece of dreck, young man. Too bad you never had any decent teachers to set you on the straight and narrow!
I shall look forward to meeting you in my room. I have an exam that begins at 7:40, so *poof*! appear at a time that you are able to convince your carcass would be appropriate. And I don't care what the cool /Kool kids are doing, Bobby S. I go where there is no trail and leave a path for others to follow (sorry, Ralph Waldo)! Looking forward to seeing you, Dorothy!!!
The English Teacher
In case you haven't guessed, nothing ever got done because we spent the entire class period trading quips and barbs. I'm hoping to get my hands on a handheld recorder to record this event for posterity. It should be a riot.
