August 17, 2004


I still work for a large, dehumanizing company, but I haven't been blogging about my hatred of customers lately. Here are two little tidbits about customers from the weekend to entertain/annoy.

The first customer, an overweight middle-aged woman, comes to my lane to check out. It's store policy to greet everyone with a smile and ask how they are.

Me: Hi. How are you?
Middle-Aged Woman: I'm fat and sassy.
Me: I can see that.

The next day, another fat middle-aged woman comes to my lane to check out her purchases. (There have been many rotund woman since the previous story, but they were all normal and complacent.) This woman, I should mention, was fat. There is no pleasant euphemism for this woman. She wasn't big-boned. She wasn't pleasantly plump. She wasn't jolly. She was fat.

She buys about $40 of condoms and KY Jelly. Disgusting, but easy to divert my eyes from the packages and check out the semi-attractive father in aisle 8. Again, it's store policy (and good manners) to wish people a good day as they leave the store. As she was loading the bags into her cart, I said "Have a nice night."

Her eyes get wide and she smiles, chunks of bread in her teeth which I haven't noticed before.

"Oh I will. Trust me. I've got the whole night planned. I've already got it set up so that..."

It was at that point of the conversation where I left my register and walked away to aisle 8, where I offered my assistance.

While I may not have any plans in the near future to have sex, I would still like the ability to have an erection, and I'm sure that the conclusion of that woman's sentence would have caused my penis to shrivel up inside my body, and if I ever wanted to have sex, I would have to put my thumb in my mouth, blow, and hope that the pressure would cause my penis to pop outside my body.

There may or may not be an established fetish, complete with online community, for that sort of thing, but I don't want to hear about it. I like my sex fairly vanilla (when I get it, at least).
Here lies a most ridiculous raw youth, indulging himself in the literary graces that he once vowed to eschew. Now he just rocks out.